Why bother?

You may think to yourself sometimes that you are fighting a futile battle against yourself due to your inability to find "happiness" or do "what you want". You wake up everyday, go to the same job after eating the same breakfast and no matter how bad you may want something... it eludes you. I have no solution to offer for this quandary. What I do have is an experience that may have changed my life for the better. I woke up one day and thought to myself "Self, what do YOU want to do?". My first quick reply was something like "I want to go bowling with so and so..." My inner mind quickly replied "WRONG!!! TRY AGAIN!". I was obviously confused; first because I really thought I WANTED to go bowling, second because I was about to get into a really intense argument with myself (hard to fight with someone so pretty:-).

What I was failing to understand from what I was telling myself is that I did want to go bowling, but it was not the heart of what I wanted. I had to stop and take personal responsibility for my own happiness. If I was going to be happy I had to be able to do it BY MYSELF and with no assistance. I quickly realized that I love running medium distances. Fashion is a personal expression and I LOVE to wear a tie. I write everyday no matter what. I play my guitar EVERY DAY no matter WHAT. I have found these simple joys that reassure me that I'm going to be alright NO MATTER WHAT. This has provided me the strength I need to say to myself "hey man, it's ok if you want to cry about it cause I'm here for you". This was not an overnight revelation, nor is it something that I no longer have to work at. 

Every day I must wake up and re-motivate myself to love myself and to keep on making myself happy. What I have found is that once I became confident that I loved myself so much.. I was able to pass an immeasurable amount of love onto my son and to the friends and family I hold dearest. I still long for social activity and to be delivered from this isolation that is partially self imposed; but I no longer have that sinking weight in the pit of my stomach that comes with feeling alone or insufficient. No, this is not permanent... but I am WORTH the daily effort. So are you. 

Boom.

-D